Remember what I said about how work - the routine of it, sometimes the monotony, always the inherent disdain at doing that which I've been implored as opposed to called to do - seems to inspire me to write? Today there was that headline about J.K. Rowling being held up at the airport. I would do that nifty link thing, but I don't readily recall how to do it, I don't feel like looking it up, and I'm sure I'd mess it up if I tried to wing it. Soemone please be so kind to send me an email about how to do it.
Anyway, you can Google it if you don't know, but basically she got held up and I wondered what it would have been like if I were her and that had happened to me ...
And so, in this post, I give you the e-mail that led to this post:
I know right. I wonder if she carries a wand.
There’s no way I could be the author of those books. I would seriously play the cook to the hilt. I’d have been all wand at the ready (b.c I would totally carry a wand, lol) and as soon as they would’ve moved to pop the bag open I’d have been like:
EXPELLIARMUS!
(or however that’s spelled)
Consider the following scene and pardon my complete ignorance of script writing procedure:
Open scene.
A long, clustered line winds its way through an airport. Inaudible chattering echoes in the area. Pan the long lines, highlighting travelers frustrated, frowning faces, heaving sighs and hands upon hips. Zoom in closer to find a woman, mid-40s with long blonde hair. She is none other that J.K. Rowling, renowned author of the Harry Potter series. The man in front of her is removing his trench coat and loafers. See her nonchalantly tapping her fingers over a large, bulging attache case. She approaches the conveyor belt.
AIRPORT SECURITY ATTENDANT #1 (Yelling in a most obnoxiously loud, monotone manner): ATTENTION ALL PASSENGERS! PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT YOU MUST REMOVE YOUR SHOES, ALL COATS, JACKETS AND SWEATERS AND HATS AND PLACE THEM IN THE TRAYS ON THE CONVEYOR BELT FOR SCREENING. PLEASE ALSO DEPOSIT ALL CARRY-ON BAGS, PURSES, ETC. INTO A DIFFERENT – A SEPARATE – BIN AS THEY WILL ALSO NEED TO BE SCREENED. IF YOU HAVE ANY LIQUIDS – THIS INCLUDES ALL COSMETICS OF A NON-WAXED-BASED VARIETY – PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT WE ARE ENFORCED BY NEW FEDERAL LAW TO TAKE THOSE OBJECTS FROM YOU. IF IT SQUIRTS, WE MUST DIVERT …
ASA #2 (Directing his gaze to Ms. Rowling): Ma’am. You need to put your carry-on bag onto the belt.
(She nods acknowledging him and places said bag onto the belt. It wobbles and rolls through, as she makes her way through the metal detector unscathed.)
(Two separate airport security attendants gather and can be heard murmuring, while making vague glances at Ms. Rowling. After a few moments, one of the attendants turns to face Ms. Rowling. He is frowning.)
ASA #3 (loudly): I’m sorry ma’am, but we are going to have to inspect your bag as there appears to be some suspect items in here that warrant our immediate attention.
Rowling: I don’t know what you are talking about, but you cannot be permitted to see what is inside that bag. It is information of a highly confidential nature.
ASA #3 (still speaking loud enough to be heard across the terminal): Ma’am. I understand that these are your personal items. However, we are advised to manually check all items which do not scan clearly.
Rowling (interrupting him with a hand raise very similar to Dumbledore’s): I hear you, but you do not understand. You cannot be permitted to ascertain nor see what is inside this bag. You may run the bag through your scanners again and take a closer look, but I cannot allow you to open it.
ASA #3: Ma’am. We open all personal items in the presence of the owner, so you do not have to worry. Your belongings will not be harmed or shared with anyone.
Rowling: You do not understand. I am J.K. Rowling, author of Harry Potter. What is in this case is the final book of my series, so you can imagine that this information is of a highly desirable – not to mention profitable – nature and I cannot allow you to glimpse it. The satisfaction and desire of billions of readers rests upon my discretion.
(The agent beckons another agent, as he now appears to be highly agitated. The attendant, who is a black male, shakes his head, throws up his hand and sighs. “Crazy behind white lady” is heard among the murmurings as he informs the other agent of what has transpired. The approaching agent titters.)
ASA #4: Hello ma’am. We understhand who you are. My thon reads your books. I have read them to him. We promisth not to read anything, but there are items in your bag that look thuspiciouth... (He smiles charmingly, as if he were Rita Skeeter) … to the muggle eye (He winks.).
Rowling (smilingly): Ha. Yes. Well I promise you there is nothing liquid in the case, nor are there any weapons or any other terroristic items of any sort. Please. I have to make my flight.
ASA #4: Yesth. (Still smiling like Skeeter or whatever her name was) But Mth. Rowling there is thomething in this bag. Thomething very unuthual lodged in one of the chamber pockets. (He says with highly raised eyebrows, looking stern, but silly.) I understand if you would want to keep it a thecret, but again, I assure you, we operate with the greatest dithcretion.
Rowling (unable to ignore the lisp any longer, snaps): Sir. I assure you there is nothing in the bag that will harm anyone. I repeat. There is no basilisk in the bag, no gun, no nail file, nothing.
(A passing passenger chuckles.)
ASA #4 (Suddenly flustered, but undeterred, laughs and blushes): No. Of courth there ith no bathilisk. Don’t be thilly. Would you mind, then, telling me what the object ith? Perhapth we can work around it thith way?
Rowling: The item in question is a prop from the forthcoming motion picture. I would rather not say directly what it is precisely, other than that is an item that Arthur Weasley himself would be tickled to have in his possession. I am taking it home as a present to be presented at a charity celebration.
ASA #4: Ahh. (Smiling goofily) Is it a port key?
Rowling (snarkily, rolls her eyes heavily): I wish.
(More chuckles from passersby. A crowd has since gathered to witness the scene.)
End scene.
Can you tell that I am bored and seriously in need and want of a diversion?
I had some fun with that, though.