Nitadee … she say …

Memo

To:        All us office workers

From:    Your favorite office commentator

CC:       Fellow office workers who know what I’m sayin’

Date:     October 18, 2006

Re:       Obvious Time Wasters. (And yes, yes, irony is in the house as I do realize that, hello. A memo.)

Cue the Culture Club Because Time Won’t Give Me Time

I.                     Meetings

a.       Has it occurred to you that one of the “privileges” of acting like a grown up must be one’s power to set, initiate, instigate and suggest meetings?

This so-called privilege should be considered as the great enabler, because people who are otherwise completely, unbelievably, astonishingly incompetent become certified meeting planners. Group lunch? “Where are we going to go? Who wants to eat what? I’m allergic to that, bloody hate that place. Let’s meet and figure out where and when who all can go.”

The supply closet not-so-well-supplied? “We need to have a meeting to discuss ordering procedures.”

So and so out on vacation? “Let’s meet to talk about who’s going to do what while ___ is away.”

Being able to set a meeting goes straight to the core of the narcissistic idiot. God help them if they have an office, because they will showcase that mug like a bored housewife parades around her foyer (pronounced “fwah-yay” natch). If there are conference rooms or designated meeting areas, take note of how this Senior Time Waster will seek out the lowest on the totem pole and be all kinds of haughty saying, “____, would you mind reserving such-and-such room? We have to have a meeting about those corn chip crumbs someone left on the kitchen counter. I have said it a million times, but people who eat those disgusting everything bagels should not be allowed to toast their bagels in the same toaster where I toast my whole honey wheat. The flavor mix is disastrous. I mean I just want to yak...”

And is there an unwritten rule about this that says that in order for a meeting to be a meeting it has to be blocked for at least 30 minutes in everyone’s schedule? It doesn’t matter if it winds up being as banal as the manager who swivels around after 2 minutes and says, “Okay. Good morning all. Just wanted to see who all got here on time. Back to work! Thanks.” And how many people does it take to constitute a meeting? Well Jesus said, “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” I feel somehow we should start reminding people of that, if only to point out that at least He had something to say…

And speaking of unwritten rules, how many times did Mrs. Turner mark up my paper with her poison pen each time I started anything with the word, “And?”

(Answer: Probably as many times as she added two checks to my name on the board on a daily basis for reasons which are still beyond me.)

This rule isn’t unwritten, but who said “When there’s an a) there must be a b) and so on?”

Speaking of this …

II.                   Agendas

a.       I don’t run into this so much nowadays, but in the past I’ve experienced situations where agendas were mandatory. Regardless. Several key childhood rules were thrown to the proverbial wind when it came to creating agendas, the first of which being “When in doubt, leave it out.”

This means that if it even kinda goes with a point or topic already listed, you don’t have to list it again. Nothing like a numbered list of similar items (i.e., I. News for this week, II. Welcome new hires, III. Friday’s schedule) to make you feel like you really are wrinkled in time.

This goes hand-in-hand with, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” There’s nothing more annoying than officially recapping what has already been hashed, chewed, swallowed and spat back up at the water cooler. So, so-and-so was hungover and did something indecent. We were all there. Totally heard it, saw it, smelt it and told somebody else about it. We don’t need to broach the topic in a meeting, unless you just want to see who cracks and snickers first … in which case I can go ahead and tell you, it will be me.

And while this is not the same thing I feel it should be included because it applies: “When you can’t think of something smart to do, think of something stupid and do the exact opposite.” Woe for the majority of our inter-office bureaucrats who have not yet cupped this golden nugget in the palm of their grubby little hands.

b.       To “b” or not to “b…” I choose not.

III.                  Cell Phones

a.       I’m just tossing this in because it certainly falls under the time waster category in my case. Can anyone please tell me why the default text messaging setting is that crazy auto complete that, when you’re not careful, you rapidly type absolute gibberish before looking up to realize that “today” is in fact “unfazed?!” Seriously.

Who thought of that? Is it really there to help you? Does it not take for bloody ever to formulate one word that does not jack up the context of your entire thought? Does it make you cuss as much as it makes me cuss? And does it not completely obliterate virtually all ability to think coherently as you find yourself hunching further over the teeny little keypad, jabbing your thumbs with such intensity that you accidentally hit send … and then you cuss some more?

 I, for one, am certain that it’s a tool to make drunk texting easier.

IV.                Conclusion

Speaking of drink, is it any wonder that we live for happy hours and weekends?

This makes me want to note the following new schedule of sorts:

·         Monday is for Maker’s Mark, martinis and all other mmm mmm goodness. How else can we manage the manic?

·         Tonics on a Tuesday are terrific.

·         What is Wednesday, if not a day for Turkeys to go Wild? What is hump day without a Hennessey toast?

·         When was the last time you made like Pee Wee Herman and danced atop a bar? We will probably never be far enough removed from kickstarting the weekend on Thursday. With that being said, the best way to kickstart anything likely requires Tequila.

I’m now too thirsty to keep this up. Great.

 Sincerely,

Thirsty.