Okay. I promise you my spirits aren't as bad as they seem. This is because once I type everything out - even as I type it out - I instantly feel better. I think of this page as Michael Clarke Duncan in The Green Mile. It sucks in all the bad stuff, “tha poahzun,” and then spits it out ... somewhere ... hopefully - considering how germs and such spread - not poisoning anyone else.
I have said it before somewhere, but I'm an expressive person, and I suppose going along with being expressive comes an impressionable nature. Or perhaps the word is empathetic. I don't really know what I’m talking about, other than I have to get things out and much of what I get out is just stuff that I’ve absorbed ... What I do know is that it literally pains me now to try and hold my questions, the rants, the rambles, etc. It manifests itself into bodily discomfort and even worse, it causes me to withdraw, and I'm already reclusive enough I think.
Anyway, my reason for coming here was sudden. It's Christmas and while I've noticed the holiday lights and all the bustle, and while I absolutely LOVE the gifts that I’ve received and that are to come, I admit that I’ve been sort of out of the holiday spirit. Upon reflection I realize that in terms of how I imagine the holiday spirit to be – meaning how I’ve evaluated other people’s actions and regard during the season – I’ve probably never been in the spirit in that way.
There are things that I love about Christmas – mostly the carols – and then there are things that my family has, and therefore I have, never been big on – gifts taking the top spot there. We give gifts, but it’s not the focus. We’re not overly religious but my mom, in her quiet, dignified manner, is a bit staunch about the hype surrounding presents. I’m sure this is directly traced to not being showered with gifts, but she’s pretty solid on Jesus being the reason for the season, in addition to the O’Jays being dead on in saying that Christmas just ain’t Christmas without the ones you love.
So it’s interesting (and I guess in light of my recent rants, a touch ironic) that family is the focus for us. Of course, it’s always been about the immediate family. I guess I always held this vision of my entire family gathering in one big house around a fireplace, followed by a giant feast, a trek to church, a giant countdown to the ripping of wrapping paper and so on. I just think it’d be nice, but when have I ever really been one to sing the praises of “nice?” Now, of course, I’m re-evaluating that invitee list for future reference, loti, but at any rate, back on to some other point.
Gifts. Oh yeah. See? This is one more instance where I think I was raised really well. My mom gives gifts year ‘round and Kim and I have followed suit. We haven’t named them, but they very often come with, “just becauses” or “I saw this and thought of you and felt you had to have it.” I saw this woman tearing down the sidewalk today screaming, her kids streaming behind her and at the end of the curb was a man with the most unfortunate expression on his face, who within seconds was reunited with what I am sad to say was his family. He looked worn out. His wife was gesturing wildly, pointing at her watch and in five different directions, I have no idea what she was saying, but his face was saying, “I’ll be so damn glad when this is over.”
That’s no way to spend what is supposed to be a holiday. Rushing, packing, hustling, being yelled and wildly gestured at. Some people love it, but I just don’t think it’s worth it (yelling and gesturing aside). There have been holidays where there’s been enough money and I still haven’t been over the moon about it, so it wouldn’t help to have a pocketful of gold. I just don’t see the point in buying gifts for this one day. It’s the same befuddled view I hold for Valentine’s Day – and I know that psychologically speaking, these views can be linked to certain, what shall I say … voids, perhaps, and that’s fine for you to think. I’ve moved on from that, and to avoid getting all political, I’m just going to say that in my life, placing huge emphasis on one day or one event is just unnecessary and causes me to overlook all the time that goes before that so-called event and beyond.
It’s about the trap of always looking ahead, rushing to the next thing. Examples: Gotta finish school … for what? Or, it’ll be nice to have a boyfriend for Valentine’s Day while not really paying attention to the guy in the months leading up to V-Day well enough to know that he was the last thing I’d want Cupid to stick me with ever. But back to Christmas gifts. I like giving stuff out whenever. I don’t remember particular Christmases being better than others, what I got or whatever. I do recall those care packages though, and where I was when they came; my Woochie sneakers could use a good cleaning, but those are shoes that I’ll still have 20 years from now probably – “just because.”
This is a cop-out I’ll admit. Thankfully you’re all nice enough to not give me shit about where your presents are. However, if you were to give me poo, I’d be forced to tell you that Jesus is the reason for the season. Also, according to David Sedaris, Santa Claus travels with 6 to 8 black men in Holland. I think that’s a good scare tactic in the making.
I digress.
What I’m saying is, you’ve got gifts coming your way … eventually and hopefully … in due time just because I love you.
Oh, I just read an old Oprah “What I know for Sure” and she went off on her livin’ in the moment kick. So there. That solidifies my gift giving practice. I like a little validation erry now and then. It’s much better I believe to feel special at any time in the year, hopefully every day in some way, but I suppose it fits with my love of a mystery of sorts. It’s better to be delightfully surprised by something good. It keeps that expectation factor down, too, wonderin’ all about what one will get from whom and what one has to give to someone else. It all ruffles my feathers, and what’s good for too many geese just flat out ain’t good for this gander.
Alright, the soapbox is creaking so I’ll step on off for now. I do wish you a merry Christmas though, filled with love, good health, great cheer and a delightful surprise or two, and of course, a little Jesus – and the juice form counts, lol. Oh, and mistletoe so y’all can get some kisses. Errybody needs to get themselves some sugah this holiday season from someone they hold most dear ;)
See? Not too bad. There’s some bright stuff in there. Worry not, good people. I never said Observations in the Key of D wouldn’t come off a bit flat every now and then, so to channel Sir Elton – sad joints say so much, but since I don’t wanna go on with you like that, I’ll come back with something merry and bright soon to letcha know that I’m still standing …