Realizing I've been a bit lax with the posts, I had a mini-epiphany just as I typed the subject line ...
Girl, it should come as little surprise to you (being the late bloomer you are) that your spirit blooms not in spring, but in the fall ...
I've been having the strangest feelings for the past month or so, and I've only just been able really to verbalize them.
I feel like I'm living my 30s now, and I have this suspicion that my actual 30s will play out like I always imagined my 20s would've. You know, I'll be freer in the sense we all imagine (well most of you are living it as opposed to my imagining it). Right now I'm trying to figure out how to balance familial obligations (and I am much obliged) with what I thought would be more social, carefree and adventurous times.
I don't have time to date or look for any dates. Sadly, I wonder if I even know how. And worse, I feel as though I'm currently lacking the emotional bandwidth (oy, struggling for wordage here) to date/be in a relationship with someone. As much as I dearly want a companion to be there for me, I can't imagine having to be someone else's "person" because I can't bear the thought of having to struggle with or for anyone else right now ...
(Sidebar: I wish this could be a funny post, but it's not gonna be ...)
The other day Mags confirmed what I'd been thinking. I complain. A lot. Selfishly, I feel I have ample reason to complain and so I do, and then I feel immediately annoying and horrible about it afterwards, but I've always been a venter. You won't find me with a stomach ulcer or high blood pressure. Not too much remains pinned inside this chest (although appearances would have you believe otherwise).
It's a personality feature (or flaw) that I routinely recognize needs a bit of heart & soul searching work ... and so, as always, I journal.
This past weekend I visited my old roomie in Indianapolis. We always have the best chat sessions. Somehow they go on for hours and we talk about everything. This time we talked about marriage, seeing as how we're now of the age where this is the main topic of discussion. She's married. ("Who isn't?" seems to be what I really keep asking myself.) At some point she said quite chirpily, "I think you should get married next!"
"What the crap?!" I immediately thought. "You are so funny. Crazy, but funny," was my actual funny-ha-ha-okay-I-get-it response.
I've never thought about getting married. (Well, I've thought about a dress, but other than that, give me a break. I don't know if it'll ever happen or how.) Old roomie was talking about everyone badgering her and her husband about having kids, and rightfully she noted that she's not going to do it just because it seems like the logical thing to do. But at some point, you look around and you surely can't help but wonder "Are there any empty wombs out there?"
I feel the same way about married folk. I love y'all, but from where I'm sitting, it looks like I'm going to be in for a rather long stint as the stub-stopper thingy on the wheelbarrow. (I don't like going by the more commonly known "third wheel" as I'm not exactly rolling with it -- there are times when one just has to feel the awkwardness I think.) Going out with couples and having to do the whole "it's them and then it's me just on one check" thing is awesome.
This seems to be the time when most of my friends all thought they'd be married by now. For those that are, they've checked that off and are now buying and decorating homes (way to invest!), mulling landscaping ideas (i like concrete!) and we-ing the crap out of every scenario imaginable ("Please, please, please, I pray, don't become those 'We're pregnant' peoples!" is my most fervent hope that I repeat when hanging out with all married/coupled folk).
I've just never been one of those people who imagined I would be married by now. But at this point, more and more I'm deferring to the side of the table with just one place setting and wondering how much longer it'll be before I'm at a separate (dare I say kiddie?) table altogether?
Heh. Kiddie table. I jest. Surely you'll be able to find me at the bar.
* NOTE: I always go by whatever song is actually playing at the time I finish a post. Tell the universe (and Pandora) to stop laughing at me... seriously. I can't be as hopeless as a penny with a hole in it ... can I?
