I love coming across old things that I’ve written. Tonight I re-read a classic – an absolute classic Danita Reese-ified – ramble. It was something seeing me contradict myself within two paragraphs, but mostly I’m struck by how open I can be sometimes. There were also moments when I seriously wanted to gag the generalizations were so sweeping and cliché-ridden. Just tragic, but again, it goes back to my willingness to let my guard down on an open page and it comes from an almost desperate desire to make sense out of something – the one thing that plagues my thoughts at any given time. So, it’s in that spirit that I return here this evening. Many of you are sleeping (I like how I say many as if there’s a worldwide audience), but I recalled that I have told at least 3 people (it is a small world, after all) that I intended to post, and so here it is.
The title of this post is wants and needs. This didn’t come to mind immediately when I thought of the title about an hour ago, but reading it now I hear the strains of Ray Charles/Jamie Foxx wailing in the background, and you know the oh-so-catchy Kanye West is bumpin’ in the brain now. It gets me to thinking, in true rambling fashion, about this gold digging business – just not monetarily speaking (at least not at this time).
I’m here to talk tonight about being adored.
Do I want it or do I need it? These aren’t the same things, yet I find myself answering yes to both questions, and I wonder what this means.
What does it mean to want to be adored? Firstly, it’s nice to receive acknowledgement. That’s all anyone really wants, isn’t it? Secondly, beyond acknowledging my existence, adoration to me combines acknowledgement with praise and a sweet regard. It’s not an outpouring of affection per se; I don’t want to be suffocated or drowned, certainly not in and of myself, but to be adored simply means that you know you are well thought of and that these thoughts occur often enough to where you can go from staging (what clearer, hindsight-ed judgments will deem) desperate attempts to not be forgotten to actually becoming the forget-me-not – something that stands alone on a special someone’s mind without your having to ring them up or find some other way to “pop” onto their radar screen.
Now do I need to be adored? This is a harder question for me to answer, because wants lend themselves to my more impetuous side of behaving. I think of the word need in terms of I’d seriously die without it. Air. I need air, you know, so it’s hard for me to say that I need to be adored and seriously consider it. It just makes me feel silly, especially when I imagine hearing someone say, “I need you,” and I roll my eyes and can’t stop my lips from pursing in that “you cannot be serious” fashion. Cue the contradictions.
I don’t need to be adored, but I’d certainly like it. I want it like I crave junk food – I don’t gotta have it, but, damn, it sure would be awfully, perfectly nice.
Then I wonder if I’d ever even be satisfied with the adoration. What happens when you realize you’re adored? Does this escalate? Are you ever satisfied? I fear it could turn me into a monster – heartlessly self-centered and oblivious, and I don’t want to be those things. I think of it as the thrill of the chase fading away, like the spoiled child who begged and pitched a fit for a toy only to get it and discard it 5 minutes later. I worry about that because I greatly sense that without conscious and consistent attention, I could become complacent with adoration and then become bored with the sweet soul who bestowed the adoration in the first place. And that would just plain suck because a) it means I’d have to get back out there, into the world of romance where it’s a numbers game and you just gotta keep trying your luck (which I equate to shootin’ some craps … literally), and b) I don’t want to be the schmuck who’s too lazy to stoke the fire. I just don’t let go that easily; I like for connections to remain intact and to grow.
Oh well, anyway, I just wanted to chat about that for a bit because I think that at some point (probably right now) we’re thinking about the same thing. This makes for the loveliest feeling of community I’ve experienced yet, as there’s nothing better than knowing we’re all asking ourselves similar questions about love. I hope we can get somewhere, starting here …
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Lastly, I issue a call to us all – as we’re sharing in this theme – choose a theme song. It’s a harmless exercise really. Earlier tonight I suggested “Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend.” Allow me to list some other ones that I think are really fittin’. They’re in the order in which I prefer, too.
Wants & Needs Tuneage (please add your own selections!)
- “What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?” by the incomparable Nancy Wilson - “Peel Me A Grape” by Diana Krall - “Love Is Stronger Than Pride” by Sade - “Body & Soul” by Billie Holiday - “I Want You to Need Me” by Celine Dion (I know. This was a hard choice for me to admit to, but the title really says a lot.)