"I shall be telling this with a sigh, somewhere ages and ages hence..." Will the road I am about to travel be all the difference to me someday?
The "angel" -- oh sweet optimistic angel -- on one shoulder says yes, of course it will, while the "devil" -- the cynic from hell -- appears to be shrugging and saying smugly (in a distinctly abrasive New Yawker tone) ah, who really gives a shit, unh?
Fear sucks. It can suck the life right out of you, snatching the anticipatory and hopeful breath from a life longing to breathe.
It's just jitters I'm feeling. Monday morning is gonna be really new and probably very manic for me. I've told myself that it's okay to be nervous. A bit of nerves has always been a healthy stimulus in the past.
I am whining and I hate that I'm even sitting here doing it, but I have to get it out because I don't want it lingering. I'm nervous and anxious with good reason, but then with insufficient reason. Here are the things that I know about myself for sure: what I may lack in the carriage of confidence, I make up for with arduous effort. Hard work is the hallmark of any success I've ever achieved, and it will always be so for me because I like it that way. It feels good and honest. It IS good and honest.
And above all, I have absolutely nothing to lose. Why my thick head can't let this sink in, I don't know, but this is really the best thing that could happen for me, and I cannot deny all the hope that's in my heart.
I am going. Heaven knows where I am going, but I'm going. It will be hard I know, and the goings may be muddy, slushy, snowy, cold-shivering-chilly and rough, but I'll get there. Heaven knows I will get there.
I used to have this little woodblock thing on my wall that my mom got for me from the jockey lot when I was little. It said: I know I'm somebody 'cause God don't make no junk. It's surprising how often I say that to myself now. It's also suprising how much I actually learned in kindergarten, and how much of it really does apply.
Do your best. Remember the Golden Rule. Take a nap. Eat your breakfast. Look forward to recess. Look both ways before crossing the street. Don't run with scissors. Two ears, two eyes and one mouth means shut up, look and listen - you're bound to learn something. Follow your heart. Smile ;)
The next time you'll hear from me, I'll be hunkerin' down in NYC.
Love to you and I'll holla again soon :)