My vocabulary needs a workout, an exercise regimen. I need to build some vocab muscles because it seems that whenever I feel the greatest need to express myself, I am at a loss for the precise words that I need. Case in point: I think there is a word or maybe a phrase that is probably better suited for how I'm feeling right now, but I do not know this word or phrase. What I do know is that the closest thing I can get to it this:
Friends, I am suffering from emotional Alzheimer's; in other words, for the sake of creative expression, I am "emotal."
Earlier tonight, there was a moment as I was reading the paper that I felt my spirit just thudded. It was like I was humming along, laughing at something I was reading, thinking about what I was going to do later on, etc. and then I took a deep breath and instead of the peaceable exhale I was expecting out came a dismal humph. And there I was, slouched and in a funk. Well, I guess I could admit the funk isn't so sudden - and neither is the slouching - but it seemed that all of a sudden the humming that hums everyday just stopped.
Immediately I wondered what was wrong with me. I am getting to the point where I feel there's a great need for soul searching (I mean, it's not like I don't have that time, lol) and paying better attention to my thoughts and what have you (which is partly why this journal is helpful), and at that moment I wondered why was I feeling the malaise.
There are a number of reasons contributing to the sudden thud, all of which I can see, but I realize suddenly that while I have been acknowledging the various contributions to my weariness, I have failed to deal with them. I wish frustration was something more useful and beneficial like, fiber. In all my "spare" time, I cannot seem to find a decent outlet for all the bad feelings to be purged. And worst of all to me is how whenever I attempt to sort out whatever has gotten me down, it's like I misplace the feeling. It runs and hides or something when I am about to snatch it forth. If I'm trying to tell someone how I'm trying to cope, I lose the words I'm trying to say; when I try to cry, my eyes water and then burn and then it's over; when I go to write, not only do the words not come, but my hand cannot hold a pen long enough for me to wait for the words...
And when I close my eyes to try to calm myself down and focus on what I want to say, what I need to say, and I breathe, I open my eyes and find that either my body has moved on or my mind is completely elsewhere. It's like I'm avoiding myself; but in waves, confusion, pain, frustration, disappointment, etc. come back. I feel like I am waiting for a tsunami, waiting for the glass of resolve and denial to shatter.
I am so sick of waiting.
-Selah-
Nothing can be done against the truth No matter how we remain in denial Wasting time Replacing time With each empty excuse But that'll only work a little while Coping with despair Knowing you're not there Ashamed to just admit I've been a fool So I blame it on the Son Run away from everyone Hoping to escape this ridicule Trapped in misery Wrapped so miserably And this deception that I'm wearing like a skin
And I aim to maintain Oh I keep trying to explain A heart that never loved me to begin Oh I'm such a mess I have no choice but to confess That I've been desperately trying to belong Lying to myself And everybody else Refusing to admit my right was wrong
And then He came Selah And it means Praise and meditation And then He came Selah And it means Did you think about that? And then He came Selah Oh and it means Praise and meditation And then He came Selah Oh and it means That it is seen
How beautiful this fruit still in denial of its roots? My guilty heart behaves so foolishly This treason from within That reasons with my sin Won't be happy til it sees the death of me Selfishly addicted To a life that I depicted Conflicted cuz it's not reality Oh what's left of me I beg you desperately Cause me to agree with what I know is best for me Please save me from myself I need you to save me from myself Please save me from myself so I can heal
The choices I have made Oh have been nothing but mistakes What a wasted use of space Should I die before I wake? In all of my religion I've fortified this prison Obligated to obey The demands of bad decisions
Please save me from myself I need you to save me from myself Please save me from myself so I can heal
And then He came Selah And it means Praise and meditation And then He came Selah And it means Did you think about that? And then He came Selah Oh and it means Praise and meditation And then He came Selah Oh and it means That it is seen
And then He came And then He came Then He came, then He came, then He came And then He came
