and T-Mobile Hot Spots :) Boo to hindsight and being the youngest person in the family. Six months ago, when my mom suffered her stroke, I said without worry or qualm, I will move home, I can find another job, I am willing to go back to temping and to do whatever until she recovers.
I've moved to NYC once. I won't have trouble doing it again, or moving anywhere else in this wide world where I'd want to go. That was part of the reason for moving to NYC in the first place - if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere, right?
Right. I believe that to be the case, as it's given me greater confidence than I ever had before. Six months ago I was on the phone arguing with an aunt, a sister and a brother-in-law who all insisted upon 3 or 4 other scenarios, all of them somehow superior to what I beleived to be the simplest option.
I have the least amount of baggage - no kids, no mortgage, no significant other. I know my mom the best, and the sooner she starts to recover the sooner she'll back on her feet and the sooner I can go back to doing whatever it is that I want to do next.
But no, you just got that job, it's really important for your career, yada yada blah. For two hours or so we went 'round and 'round and back and forth and they talked over my head. I went home and sat at my mother's bedside and as only I can do, I knew what she was thinking.
"My this is a big mess you've got yourself in, huh?"
She sighed and said yeah (her main word at that time).
"You hate being fussed over and now look ..."
Eye rolls and nods.
"... a bunch of people are moving along without your input - not that you can articulate it, but still, they could ask you, huh."
A tear rolled out of the corner of her eye.
"I should just come home. What do you think?"
"Yeah."
"I think that'd be the easiest thing, don't you? It makes the most sense all around, even after you weigh the pros and cons doesn't it?"
"Yeah."
Over the next couple of months I kept saying it, too, and as my mom started to speak more fluently, she agreed aloud saying that she would hate more than anyone else for me to quit my job, but she also felt it would be the least amount of trouble for me to move home versus moving her to Germany or to Philly or to an assisted living facility. It was easier than asking the U.S. Army to grant my sister a compassionate reassignment, and it was far easier than looking to anyone else in our beleaguered family for actual help.
But no.
Fast forward to now. I just hang up with my brother-in-law who says, "You know, I have been thinking about this situation and if I remember correctly, you said from the very beginning that it'd be easiest if you just moved home. We didn't listen to you and we should have, because now what was already an unfortunate burden for all of us has been placed squarely on your shoulders."
Uh huh.
And this all could've been so much smoother had I just moved home, because then they would've been home long enough for me to get secure in another job and be settled in. My mom wouldn't be dealing with switching doctors and crap, adjusting to a city she hates and living with her mother (which she isn't thrilled about at all). Oh no, if we'd just done like I pleaded, the person whose best interest we've all been speaking about would've actually been in our best interest -- without all the tension created in our already not-too-terribly-close family, the distance, the freezing cold that irritates my mother who's having trouble adjusting to the medication that she hates to take and just the overwhelming unfamiliarity of everything -- all of it could've been avoided.
So now "hindsight is 20/20" is supposed to do what exactly? I don't feel any better. In fact I'm annoyed and frustrated. We don't know what this cancer is, how aggressive it might be, but it's looking like what was temporary, as in 6 months, could in fact be longer. I'm fine with that. I'll stick with my mom for however long it takes, because that's a no-brainer. That's not the issue.
The issue is I'm now bearing a responsibility greater than I ever could've imagined and I'm doing it alone. That's fine. I know other people in the world have beared heavier burdens. I'm trying not to complain, but this blows because I have to rely completely upon myself. This is hard to do -- finding another job to supplement the ever-depleting savings before it completely fuckin' runs out; finding another place to live in an unfamiliar place; dealing with a grandmother who isn't so grand most of the time; and hardest, but most necessary of all, being the good daughter, the sunshine, the joker, the optimist, the dreamer and the jolly good spirit that I've always been able to be for my mom.
What frustrates me the most is that with all the things I'm trying to manage, the most important thing is too often the furthest thing from my mind, and that ain't right. Everything that's going on is all supposed to be for her, not against her or in spite of her or whatever else that's not really helpful, productive, comforting or inspiring.
So I'm sitting here a bit pissed off that I trusted my gut enough to speak up, but I didn't fully act on it. It's not a good feeling and it's one I hope to never ever again repeat. It's another instance where I despise how I've allowed other people to dictate to me what my life's experience or judgment is worth.
My brow is getting more and more furrowed by the minute, and I'm trying to pound out the anger on this keyboard before I go on with my day. I think I'm about done, but I'm also due for some fresh air and a good, long walk.
To thine own self be true, damnit.