In light of last night’s post, I feel it is such that I must move forward with my own quest, which requires a lot of hashing of sorts … mostly cyclical I’m afraid … alas, it must be done. I wonder more like Alice day by day and increasingly I’m haunted by the fact that my life may be more like Dorothy Gale’s than I’d ever imagined …
I feel as if what I am meant to do is right in front of me and that it has been all this time, but I’ve gone around the bend, so to speak, only to find that it’s been with me all along.
And I’m not sure if this counts as an epiphany or not, but I seriously just typed that sentence and then my computer screen blinked because my jittering leg accidentally yanked the power supply. Wow.
Okay then. So I had plenty else I was going to say, but that sort of caused me to pause.
All I really had to say was that someone recently told me to think back to when I was little and think of what I wanted to be more than anything in the world – a retracing of the steps so to speak. And I saw myself with papers spread out all around me, whining about how I needed more crayons and why couldn’t I please have more crayons … upon these papers I’ve drawn various people with little bios on each page: Chantelle is 27 years old wearing a fancy red coat and boots with a headband. Chantelle is a lawyer and she likes horses and pocketbooks. These drawings were all a part of some story … like a line up of characters ready to be called in to play.
I have to find the medium because there are parts of me that can’t justify struggling just to be a writer … I’m struggling now. Maybe there is more glory in that struggle, I don’t know. I do know that I’ve spent my whole life feeling as though I was struggling and so I’m not exactly looking for ways to keep that going. Yet, I believe in no pain, no gain, and I never said it’d be easy, I only said it’d be worth it; I believe those to be true for me and perhaps so for this quest I’m on.
So what next? A post tomorrow evening? Perhaps another one act – just to see if I can knock off some of this rust? A new love*song for me-type story, perhaps along the lines of where my so-called love life is right now? Do I have it in me to sustain a novel or a full-length screenplay?
What do I have to say? What can I tell? Man, I’m not so sure that our lives are exactly parallel, but I’ll be john brown if 50 Cent didn’t come up with one catchy behind title, because I seriously am strivin’ y’all to get rich or die tryin’ …