whoa. aw, mercy, mercy me. you know, things really aren't like they used to be, no. it used to be i would call my mom almost every other day, just to check in, vent, etc. lately though, i was trying to be more independent and not call and vent to her so much. but i realize she's like my greatest sounding board because she's, uh, maternal...
this week rachel was here and saturday when i spoke to my mom she was like, we'll talk later on next week. i'm busy, you're busy. you have fun and tell rachel thank you for seeing about my baby.
i know. seriously. look at that little chubby face in the corner and tell me she isn't just the darling-est thing :)
so we didn't talk. monday i thought about calling because i just wasn't feeling good. starting to feel rundown, or rather weighed down by not having someone to tell everything to ... and i've realized that i'm just like that. i have to vent. not so i can dump it all on someone, because that's not what i intend tot be doing (even though that's what it is technically, but i'm not trying to get my problem to become your problem, or outweigh your life and its importance. i just need to get it off me.), but i really need someone who'll allow me to talk things out, comment whenever about whatever and then just hang ...
tuesday came and went. rachel left and i couldn't shake the fact that in a mere 6 days i'd felt like she should just be here. not just for me, but because she adjusted to it so well that it just seemed like she should just be here ... (well here in some air conditioning, but sweat is good fer ya - detoxifies, lol).
anyway, you know that feeling you get, but you sometimes ignore because there's just other stuff going on? and you know how it's just never a good thing to ignore those feelings, and you sense that all the while when you are ignoring it ... but then you still just keep pressing on? i did that. but i felt tense and i couldn't pinpoint why, but slowly and surely, as is often the case with me, the mound started to feel like a mountain and i was carrying it all in the mighty knots that are my shoulders. and i carried it in my head as it clouded my thoughts.
something just wasn't right.
last night my mom called, but i didn't hear the phone. it was late. i called her back tonight and she sounded tired. really tired. and after one minute, on my third, "are you alright?" she told me that she'd been in the hospital. went on sunday. came back yesterday.
hmmm. that's quite a long time, eh? i asked her.
immediately i heard that teensy voice on the inside say, see? toldja you should've listened to me. and i asked myself, why didn't i?
her blood pressure. high. so high she refused to say other than she was at work and a couple of co-workers who've taken to eyeballing her decided to corner her and test her blood pressure. my mom is stubborn and does not like being fussed over, but apparently this number was just high enough that she was promptly escorted to the hospital.
i was not called. my sister was not called. she requested that we not be called because she doesn't like that we worry about her because she feels she should worry about us and that's it. but it's a two-way street. tonight i reminded her of that. needless to say, for the first hour i was practically chewing on my heart trying not to have a nervous breakdown. my mom has never been sick outside of a cold. without question she is my rock. and for like an hour my insides were reeling as i was already struggling just by myself and inadvertently she'd added to it. and because she's obviously in a trying state i had to choke on my tightening throat for the better part of my conversation because i could sense she was ready for me to revert back to my baby status and bawl it out, and since i'm not there to actually see her and know for myself that she's fine, i couldn't give in.
this was my oscar winning performance of the year i think because i don't know how i didn't start crying because i always cry first and loud. i'm the sinsitiyive one of the family, you should know. she kept asking me different things to see if my intonations would change well enough for her to sense that i wasn't crying. i am sure she wasn't entirely fooled, but i also think i reassured her a bit.
anyway, i was going to post about something else, but after i read rachel's post and her last line was so perfectly mine, i figured i'd turn to the one vent that never fails me -- and so i write.
and i feel better. in fact i feel fine. fine like james taylor: i feel fine anytime she's around me now. and she's around me now almost all the time ... and if i'm well you can tell that she's been with me now. she's been with me now, quite a long, long time. yes and i feel fine ...