In my quest for balance, I am reminded daily that one thing is certain: I am very clumsy. Though I jest, let me assure you that juggling isn't my forte. Were I an astute juggler, it'd be easier for me to handle everything that's up in the air in my life right now. Instead I find my mind lunging to make up for wayward thoughts that became haphazard actions, only to step back and discover that some things are dangerously close to hitting the ground. But I'm managing...
This is probably the jerkiest juggling I ever did see, though. I toss my job up and immediately "moving out" soars right up after it, and you guessed it, as the job comes down so does the idea of making like Billy Joel. (Of course, the theme of this post is job/career/livelihood/place in this world.) There are lots of little juggling pins that go along with this theme, though. There is the possible need to relocate, money and job choices. By job choices I mean does one continue to work a job that provides just enough or does one endeavor doggedly to find and hold out for job that provides more than enough - financially and for one's own mental well-being? The latter seems the obvious choice, but also appears to be the road less traveled (at least it is in my case, which in my case it's not even a road yet).
Earlier today I convinced myself that this week is it at the current job. I am racked with an unexplainable guilt about just uppin' and leavin', but I am also resolute in knowing I've stayed too long. Isn't that a terrible feeling when you flip through your pocket calendar and go, "Damn, what have I been doing?" It's that same bewilderment you feel when you come across some old cd receipts and you wonder, "Did I buy that?! Where is that? Why did I buy that?! For one sucky song? Are you kidding me?"
But I've stayed too long, or almost too long. I feel that another day, another week will be absolutely too long for me. It's absolutely unjustifiable now how I can stay there. 5 months ago, I had sufficient justification, but now it's all gone. There's a reason it's called temporary employment. I've been in a "relationship" that has worked more like a booty call than gainful employment.
I mean, really. I've been strung along and now I'm feelin' strung out. "We don't know that we'll hire you... We won't know exactly until such and such a time and that is dependent upon the new system and we don't exactly know when it will be in place, but we will be keeping you until then..."
Yeah, that's a booty call. The 2 in the mornin' kind. You know it's the one where I have gone time after time, so many times, that it's just an inclination. A bad habit. And then one day, somebody asked me out on a date, a real one! - at a really good, legitimate time for some legitimate activity - and now I'm like, "Damn, girl, what have you been doing? This is the way it should be..." And now I don't feel like I can go back to the booty caller, even though it's only been one date with the real caller.
And you know I just realized how truly nice of a person I am. Why? Because I feel guilty for leaving the booty caller. I wonder, "Who will they call now? Are there others to call? Will they be alright without me?"
See? This is why I can't get involved in game playing b/c I am bound to get played time and time again. But I'm serious, so pray for me when you read this because I am probably somewhere close to clutching a paper bag or chompin' some Tums right now, anxious about having to meet the booty caller face to face and say in a nice way, "Take this job and shove it, because I'm out the door, baby. There are other fish in this sea..."
=) Holla atcha girl!