Alright, I'm back! Still with plenty of time on my hands that I feel will best be used giving y'all the best that I've got =) This morning, I come to you live because I have been inundated with unfunniness. Many of you may very well have already heard my many diatribes about co-workers that can't deliver the funny. Many of you probably very well know what I'm saying and what I'm feeling whether you've heard my stories or not, but I felt like I needed to share my clips and tips from the "You Ain't Funny" files. The offender shall henceforth be known as YAFons (a cross between You Ain't Funny and moron).
You know it ain't funny when:
1. Scenario: Let's say you're around the proverbial "watercooler" (or whatever gathering place at your employment prison) and it's storytime or time for a quick gossip flash. You say a witty one-liner that leaves co-workers howling, "That's a good one. I'm gonna have to use that one!" (Or something to that effect). Like the Queen on Buck House's balcony, you smile curtly and nod, because you know you hold the funny and while their acknowledgment that you are funny is nice, it must still be greeted with a "been there, done that, next" decorum.
Moments later, when you are walking back to your workspace, you find yourself stopping and wondering if the instant playback in your mind is playing aloud as you hear someone telling your story and ending with your witty one-liner. The thing that really freaks you out is how you hear a voice that is not your own saying something like, "And then I said [insert your witty one-liner]." You hear laughter and "You are so funny. That is hilarious," that is followed by that apparent voice-over artist who replies nonchalantly, "I know, I crack myself up."
Excuuuuse me?! This is a YAFon people! I don't know if it's pathological or what, but I find myself most unamused and incredulously perplexed at the comedic thievery that is taking place all around me. What, I pray you?!, is the bloody reason for this happenstance?! Close the gates and summon the guards, we've an impostor afoot!
2. Scenario: YAFon (who in my case, sits in the cell/cubicle next to me) does one of two things that KILLS me, not softly, but slowly...medievally. Either she will get up and walk over to tell me something un-funny OR (and I really hate this) she will parrot. "What tha f*#$?," you ask? Ah, this means that she will speak aloud a story/aside/occurrence/whatever that she thinks is funny, and she will not hear me exert the "umph" that I reserve for unfunny items. SO, she will then REPEAT the blurb, using careful, desirous inflection at the end of the story that is equivalent to seeing someone's eyebrows and eyes enlargen in that "D'ya get it?" face.
Now, I could do one of several things. I could be more like Lisa (as we should all strive) and say a hearty, "VERY good!" (Do make sure to place emphatic emphasis on VERY, as if you were just learning to say the word). Or, you could "umph" louder - but this is sketchy b/c it could sound like your colon's impacted, so be careful there. Or lastly you could wind your way through the following pacing exercise that takes place in my head:
Interal'nita #1: SIGH ...It’s not funny, Danita, but we've gotta do something, haven't we?
Internal'nita #2: But it’s like I know her before she opens her mouth, you know?! Do you KNOW people like this?! It's incredible. You know EXACTLY what they’re going to say...
#1: I know, girl, I know. In the beginning it was helpful because you could anticipate your reaction and begin preparing yourself for the fake laugh and the nods and I knows, etc., but after a while, you know I find myself questioning my great knack for anticipation. I replace it with, "Gawd, I knew it was coming" eye rolls -
#2: And I find my lips almost moving along in sync w/ what they’re saying, and I NEVER do that – the mouth moving thing as people are talking! I am totally holding the remote control and am running a play by play that’s pacing their conversation perfectly.
#1: Do you think they know that we are doing this? I mean in a delirious sort of way I almost feel like a puppet master. Maybe it’s the only way I cope with the annoyance of it all, but I am totally on to whatever is coming out of her mouth.
#2: And the hysterical part is, she thinks she’s really clever and funny. But she has no idea that there are millions of people like her trying to turn on the funny and catch on and become a notable, and it’s just not their reality, ya know?
#1: For instance, I don’t think that parroting adds to the funny. I think instead when you have to repeat yourself to the same person in the same conversation in virturally the sentence following, that there’s a high probability that what you said wasn’t even funny in the first place. But still she repeats it until I either make eye contact or go, umph...
I mean, it's not cool when your own jokes bomb, but it is also not cool to be the Nagasaki/Hiroshima to the YAFons of this world. Quite frankly, it exhausts me... I'm verklempt. Twalk amahngst yuhsalves and holla back, will you deahs?