In keeping with the times, the days of our lives, I have decided to create, if you will, a topic about which, I am certain, many of us have much to discuss. By the way, if you have any other acronyms that illustrate our dire disdain for work or job (or torture!), please feel free to add them to our lexicon, as they will be most welcome and enjoyed and appreciated =)
Now, down to business. Some of you may have seen this before, but we have to start somewhere in our discourse of why work sucks. My fellow worker-in-vain, buttahfly24, has already instituted a lovely, highly amusing and accurate character listing of some of the people we all encounter whilst at work. I will add them here, in abbreviated form, just because an APB can save those of you new "real worlders" from the trouble of finding all the words to properly describe the aggravation you are about to endure.
1. the talker - this is the person that all other characters run from ... 2. the know it all - the KIA is sometimes the most annoying character at work... why? think about working with the jeopardy guy ken... 3. the i do everything better than you, longer than you and more than you colleage - let's call this person d.b. (do better) 4. the MOLE - yeah you know who i'm talking about - if you can't figure out who this is in your office - look over your shoulder 5. the say anything - these are the ones that tell you things about themselves that you don't even care to know about people that you actually like... ****(For in-depth truth and hilarity, please go and visit her lj page - buttahfly24. A ton of lovely stuff is there that is sure to entertain...)
Now, my contributions to this list are: 6. Neighborhood Watch: this person is a hybrid of the KIA and the Mole. Miraculously they manage to acquire way too much information about your co-workers. I say miraculously because their indiscretion is legendary and the cleverness with which they come by info is mysterious and frankly, astounding. They do not know all in the sense that you would regard them as intelligent, per se, but they do know all of everyone's business; and if we could scale annoying, you'd best believe they would make garner a perfect 10. In fact, the sheer voltage of their power to annoy you is so great that you will very often be shocked speechless.
NW (aka known as nit*wit), upon your arrival to the office, appoints his/her-self as your "guardian" of sorts. They make sure you don't get lost in the shuffle, have been properly introduced to everyone, know where snack machines are, etc. In your first week, they will be like the best friend you had in kindergarten - cool for about a week, until you realize that at recess it's always just the two of you... This is the same person, who as an adult, will count themselves into everyone's clique knowing good gosh darn well that they ain't as cool as they will otherwise try to convince you.
Other modes of ID'ing NWs: These pernicious minders, were we in the city, could be seen hanging lazily out of windows or on stoops. They are the yapping yorkie dogs that pepper your existence with yapping EACH and EVERY time you pass by. They are the ridiculously loud and aggravating chime that announces your arrival into a store/dressing room, or better yet - they're the sensory chimes on those schtupid holiday gadgets that will shout Ho!Ho!Ho! Merry Christmas at you, or will witch cackle at you, say Boo!, etc. EACH and EVERY SINGLE TIME you WALK by them...
7. Super Doppler: another Mole species here; this one offers live, up-to-the-minute information that may or may not be relevant to you, but nevertheless you show up on their radar, so you're bound to receive an update. SuDo is a wannabe Neighborhood Watcher, a(n) NW in training, so to speak. Key to detecting SuDos: They will ALWAYS tell you PLENTY of something you already friggin' know.
Example: Outlook pops up with an email. You open it. You note that it was sent to ALL in your department before you commence to read the contents of the message. (What it says doesn't matter, b/c you are about to have it recited to you shortly. So, if you don't like to read or are reading impaired, just wait and then you can listen...) Upon reading the mish-mosh, you will close the box and go on about your business. And then, Ah! It will be time for your up-to-the-minute news flash.
8. Kalorie Kounter: the crazed dieter, the human yo-yo. This person means well, but will talk so much about food and its delicious evils that you would rather be a poor mid-80s famined Ethiopian. They have tried them all, so if you ever need the recipe to the banana mayonnaise diet or that one that requires the REAL Maple syrup, she's your gal! Atkins is a punk - until Monday when she will saddle back up and get on it.
This well-meaning, but deprived person is always going to be the one who will chirpily ask, "So, who's bringing what dish on casual Fridays?! I am so hungry. So and so, that triple decker __________ dessert you made a few Fridays ago was absolutely delicious. Nevermind it had enough calories to take up my whole day's allotment. It was so good. Did you say that was cream and real butter? Yummy. Please bring it again..."
In the case of the buffet, never stand next to KK. She will be shaking her head and counting all the calories before you can spoon anything on your plate. No. Stay away from her, because she is also the person who requested work funds be spent on in-house scale so she can lead you to torture yourself everyday with wondering just how much water weight you can possibly carry around and for how long???
Okay, so that is all - for now, of course. Because you know as long as there is work, and I have to do it, that there will always be stories to tell - delightfully trifling little vents to divulge =)